I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick with Dan Savage and the “It Gets Better” campaign, now, don’t get me wrong, I believe hope is an infinite resource that has the ability to carry us through some of our most troubling times, but hope can be a double-edged blade. Even though I’m no prophet, nor do I have any experience as the founder of any significant movement, I do know that instilling expectations in people is a very dangerous game. When we have expectations placed on the world, and we are told by others that these expectations can and will become a reality; what happens when that reality is shattered? When the only thing that kept us going throughout all of the pain, bigotry and torment, was the notion that the sun will rise on a different world tomorrow, what are these kids going to do when they find out they built their future on a lie?
My issue is with the subtext of this movement. That being that if queer kids just bide their time, bite their tongues and keep their heads down, that eventually things do get better. I can’t accept that as an appropriate solution. The true message that I see is that if we wait until people grow up and stop being dicks, we’ll be fine. I mean, it’s clear that Dan Savage’s heart is in the right place here, but maybe a peaceful sit-down isn’t what the queer community needs! Maybe what we need is a call to arms, to assemble, and the courage to say “I will not FUCKING stand for this!”
I remember my years in high school, or at least fragments of it. I remember seeing all the familiar faces on my first day, all the people who already knew. It seemed that the word “Faggot” that was branded onto my forehead in elementary school didn’t fade a bit. The news spread like wildfire to all those who didn’t know me, “That guy’s gay!” was the topic of the week. In all honesty, I’d never come out, I can’t say I ever truly cared to. In grade 9 I knew what my sexuality was, my sexuality was “me”, I liked who I liked and there was not much more to it, I didn’t feel the need to pigeon-hole myself into a category when I was still young, finding new things that drew me to people every day, maybe I thought it would be a bit premature to commit to a label of my own choosing.
I remember the bullying, it was like the new and old faces hadn’t missed a beat from my previous two schools, and keeping my head down, biting my tongue and praying for tomorrow to be different didn’t do too much for me except make it clear to others that I would be an easy target… and I was. I had a super power in high school, with simply numbing my life out with drugs, came a great ability. I was “The Human Sponge” with hateful words or curled fists being hurled against my skin, I had the power to absorb anything. I didn’t even need to be rinsed, because for all the times I was told, I began to internalize those feelings of worthlessness, I began to come to terms with the fact that I did not belong, that who I was, was wrong.
No loneliness is worse than that felt in a crowd.
After enough one-sided fights and countless stabbings from sharp tongues, I transferred schools, I knew it would just be the same story all over again, but at least it was a story with a slow start. I was just waiting to reach the end of the book and read those words “Happily Ever After”, every day of hating myself, was one page less. Every day was one page less.
But then something strange happened…
It was my first drama class of grade 11, I didn’t like acting, but the only friends I had were in that class and I thought that maybe I’d be safe. A young man who I didn’t recognize, in fact, I was certain I’d never seen him in my life, had to be the first to make a remark:
“I don’t want to be in a change room with that faggot!”
While this was a fairly common practice in any other gym class, bathroom, change room, what have you… in my previous schools, this bigotry was happening much faster and angrier than ever before, and I’d realized that I was ready for a fresh start, I didn’t want to be the “Gay Kid” anymore, I was ready to change something… And I most definitely did. A sponge let loose a lifetime of rage in a single moment; the world went white, and my body took control.
I’ve been informed that I knocked this guy out in one punch, in the middle of a classroom, on the first day. I wish that I could say I was sorry as I sat in the principal’s office, but in all honesty, I’d never been more satisfied with an outburst in my life, which had at this point taken a turn for the better.
How I felt in the Principal's Office: "Ohh Yeah!"
I didn’t need to bide my time, I didn’t need to chin-up, nose down, slip into the background like a ghost, no… With one act of rage, I not only shattered one young boy’s perception of ‘gays being sissies’ but I changed my reputation. From that moment on, when people realized I could fight for myself and hold my own, and that for all the gifts of self-hate the world gave me, I wanted finally pay them back in an appropriate fashion.
What I think is the most surprising of all, is that after that moment, I never had to fight again. People were intimidated that I took down a known bully. Nobody would play guessing games about my sexuality, nobody attempted to restore the status quo. I may have still been “The Gay Kid”, but I don’t think anyone wanted to have the label of “The kid that gay kid beat up”, maybe it just wasn’t worth the risk.
This anecdote of my high school life is lived evidence that maybe Dan Savage’s model of a solution isn’t right. When we’re young, everything feels like the end of the world, but you know what? It isn’t. Our emotions are uncontrollable, unpredictable and sometimes dangerous. When a youth faces hatred by their peers, so many are prone to hating themselves. Maybe sitting idly by and just waiting for bigotry to blow over DOES NOT WORK, maybe, what has to be done, is challenge the status quo, challenge the perceptions of simple people.
Instead of praying tomorrow gets better, maybe kids should be laying down the foundations of a good future today, and that starts with taking a stand and saying “No more”, and that doesn’t mean that physical violence is always a solution, it doesn’t mean you should switch schools and fight the biggest and toughest on your first day, as much as it may feel like it, our schools don’t have to feel like a prison.
Today gets better when we live for living, for the moment, when we learn to say: “I love myself, and there’s nothing wrong with that”, when others’ words and ignorance doesn’t have to phase us. Today, I still face homophobia, I will tell you now; it does not get better… But I did. I feel sorry for those who are more comfortable hating what they don’t understand than loving the fact that there are lessons to learn in life. I pity them. I’m not afraid to say that today, with all I’ve done and learned, after all the bullying and the fights, the broken noses and knuckles, shattered and inflated pride, that I am above them.
So Dan, my message to you is, maybe the world doesn’t change, maybe I think you’re a liar, and maybe I think your message, though coming from a place of love, is wrong. It’s survival of the fittest out here in the real world, not the strongest, or the smartest, but those who can adapt to change. I see homophobes who are clinging so desperately to long dead ideals, and one day, maybe, the hatred for the LGBT community will die out, but maybe not… So until you can tell me without a shadow of a doubt that the future is brighter, don’t tell me it’s all sunshine and rainbows. How does the old saying go? “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself?” We can’t keep waiting for the sun to suddenly rise on a hate-free world, but bit by bit, piece by piece, when we are willing to love ourselves enough to fight, we shape tomorrow into something brighter.
Things will not get better until we begin to make it better. We can’t keep waiting for change to come, can’t keep hoping that things will be different. Whether it is through open palms, or clenched fists, your future is in your hands.
