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1. Are they affirming
of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual,
2-spirited, intersexed, and queer people?
Your feelings are personal and deserve to be heard
with respect and consideration. Especially if you’re
having a hard time, you don’t need to deal
with people who are insensitive or judgmental. If
you’re not sure someone is queer-friendly,
it’s a good idea to check it out before you
reveal your sexual or gender orientation. You can
bring up the subject in a general way by mentioning
an event in the news or making a comment about a
public figure that is queer. If you get a positive
reaction, it will give you some indication that
that person may be receptive to your concerns. If
it’s negative, you will know to look elsewhere
for a sympathetic listener. Transgendered and transsexual
youth often face a more difficult time bringing
up the issue of gender orientation because there
are not many public figures that openly identify
as Trans. In this situation you could talk about
Trans people in general or an issue you see in the
newspaper or on television.
2. Are they good listeners?
The people you talk to should do a lot of listening,
especially at first letting you say what is on your
mind. They should ask you questions to learn more
about your thoughts and feelings. People often respond
with a lot of advice. That advice may or may not
be right for you. You get to decide. If their advice
is useful, that’s great. But it it’s
not, you can still accept their care and support.
If you’re lucky, they may be able to share
information about being gay, lesbian, bisexual,
2-spirited, intersexed, transsexual or transgendered
and hook you up with other resources, such as groups
or books.
3. Are they trustworthy about confidentiality?
If it’s important that they not tell anyone
about what you’ve shared, make that clear
in advance and ask for their commitment to keep
the conversation private. Professional counselors
are required to maintain your confidentiality expect
in situations of extreme danger or abuse. With others,
you’ll need to make it clear that what you
share is confidential.
4. Are they free of hidden agendas?
It’s important that people in whom you confide
aren’t out to get something from you in return.
They should not be trying – however subtly
– to convert you, cure you, come on to you
sexually, or take control of your life in any way.
Understanding should be offered without strings
attached. The only thing they should expect in return
is mutual respect.
5. Are they positive, encouraging, and affirming?
You should leave the conversation feeling positive
and understood. The basic message needs to be that
you are great the way you are and that there are
many other young people like you. If someone starts
to make you think your same-sex attractions or that
your gender orientation is wrong or bad, get yourself
out of there! If you want to, you can explain what
wasn’t helpful and what you need instead.
But if that person still can’t hear you, try
someone else.
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