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First
Love by Brett
My first love was memorable.
I had led a very sheltered life living in the suburbs
and had “gone out” with a couple of
girls through high school to prove I wasn’t
gay. Finishing school was a relief as I could not
relate to anyone, and I hated most of the guys for
being so cruel to everybody.
Like so many others I hadn’t a clue as to
what the future would bring, and it was scary to
even contemplate. I started appreciating music as
a solace from my languishing fate.
With nothing to lose, I started coming out to a
few people and attended a few social groups for
queer youth. It was the first time I’d seen
queer folk my age and it felt so fucking good. There
were mostly other gay guys there so naturally sex
came up as an exciting possibility.
However, I was drawn to this mysterious creature
wearing a long black cloak with a thick black mane
and perfect skin. Chaqile. Everything about Chaqile
was androgynous. And beautiful. I’d never
even heard of people like Chaqile, and yet it seemed
so fluid.
Being 15 and independent in a large city had made
Chaqile street-wise. If it wasn’t harassment
from police after being caught steeling bras, it
was being the target of wolf whistles from butch
construction men.
Our whirlwind romance only lasted about three weeks,
but felt longer due to the intensity. One of my
fondest memories is when Chaqile couldn’t
afford toilet paper. So we went around to the local
cafes to steal some! Chaqile introduced me to different
music and danced for me when we snuck into nightclubs
together.
I’m glad I can’t remember the reason
why we decided not to see eachother anymore. The
last time I laid eyes on Chaqile was at a roller
skating rink, which has since burnt down. Chaqile
ended up with my cd single of Fade Into You, by
Mazzy Star, and I got a hairpiece and some fishnets.
Sometimes I wonder about Chaqile and what has become
of her. She helped shape me as a queer person with
passion and confidence. That song poignantly symbolises
my feelings about Chaqile; strangely mysterious,
alluring, yet immensely beautiful.
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